MY LAST POST FROM QATAR

“Lord,” she said, “if you must go, then let me ride in your following...”

“Your duty is with your people,” he answered.

“For too often have I heard of duty!” she cried. “I have waited… long enough…may I not now spend my life as I will?”

“Few may do that with honor,” he answered.

This conversation I read several days ago while wrestling with assignment choices that will affect Donna's and my journey.  Once again it seems God is saying "Go forth from your country, and from your relatives and from your father's house, to the land which I will show you.”

I recognized that in the wrestling my own heart was asking “May I not spend my life as I will?” I am not alone. Throughout history mankind has asserted “I am the captain of my soul!”  This is for humanity a relentless temptation fed by a genetic imprint set into our DNA ages ago when Adam first broke with God..

When I read the conversation between Eowyn and Aragorn above, I put the book down and closed my eyes. 

Two thoughts came to me.  I remembered Proverbs; “There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death,” and I remembered Abraham's fateful decision. After obeying God to “Go forth from your country…”  Abraham was assigned the mission to father a people of God’s choosing.  But when it was impossible for him to have children due to Sarah’s age, not ready to believe God could work through him miraculously, he came up with a pretty clever solution.  He fathered a child outside his marriage and sired Ishmael – thus he  gave to us 9/11, the Taliban, and the deaths of so many of America’s young wariors. “There is a path before each person that seems right, but it ends in death.”  

Then I reviewed some of what I knew about God, His ways and my commitments to Him:          

• He is very, very smart.  He knows what He is doing and has got all possible pathways figured out.  We see the jumbled back of the tapestry He weaves, but He beholds always the face of it.
• He is totally committed to the greater good of His sons and daughters, and He ALWAYS has been faithful.
• He has never been ‘safe’ but is ever ‘good.’  (He’s willing to let us go through the hard things, even when they are not the comfortable or personally desired things, in order for us to develop and grow strong)
• Long ago I made the once-for-all-time decision that my life was to serve His purposes.
• Donna and I got married so that as a team we could serve God more effectively than either of  us could alone.
• I have chosen to adopt Job’s final, unseeing position before God – “Though He slay me, yet will I trust in Him.”
• I’m going to live merely decades on this earth – but with Him it will be forever.  The obvious priority is serving His ways rather than my ways.

It came to me then that Jesus did not face three temptations.  His greatest and most difficult fight was the fourth temptation that assailed Him as He knelt in the garden.  At the end, He made not the easy good choice but the difficult best choice, and yielded this resolution to the Father - “… yet not as I will, but as You will."

I remembered that there are many good things to do, but only one best thing.  The only real choice for anyone who follows Jesus is to echo His ultimate decision: "Not as I will, but as You will." 

Every time I read about King David I expect that his heroic life would be forever stained by the shadow of his flagrant sins.  And it always amazes me that his true legacy was not founded in either his great works or his great sins; instead his legacy became simply “For David, after he had served the purpose of God in his own generation, fell asleep…”  God summarized his life, and it is forever recorded, that "...he did his duty!"

I am chronically aware that I too have committed both good works and sins. Yet with all of my heart, and this is true, I desire that my legacy, great or small, would simply be “Doug Castle served the purposes of God in his own generation - he did his duty.”  How could there be a more noble remembrance?!  And I would bear great honor in my heart if my family and friends would at the end of their days have their remembrance engraved also in such a way.

I fight an almost daily battle.  Wooing me constantly is the soft voice that reasonably, it seems, asks “May I not now spend my life as I will?”  But my Lord's answer remains,“None that follow Me may do that with honor.”

He is most definitely NOT safe.  But He is good.  Knowing the mercy and tenderness of the Father’s heart as I have come to know, I will most probably find that He has secretly brought me to a greater joy, that comes not with the easy good but only with the difficult best.

Eowyn, thinking that she loved Aragorn, would have abandoned her duty to a greater purpose so she could follow him in battle.  But when he said “no,” she returned to the difficult best choice – that of duty above personal desire.  And in the end that difficult choice became the pathway that led to her greatest joy, though unseen and unanticipated at the time.  As she yielded to duty, she eventually got her battle and scored a great triumph over evil, but she also ended up deeply in love with Faramir.  Her heart's desire at last was given.

After six and a half years of deployments and distant assignments I am really tired - the kind of tired that sleep does not assuage.  Deep down inside I find that I long for one place to call home.

Perhaps my mistake is thinking that my ultimate home is someplace to live. "They agreed that they were foreigners and nomads here on earth. Obviously people who say such things are looking forward to a country they can call their own. If they had longed for the country they came from, they could have gone back. But they were looking for a better place, a heavenly homeland. That is why God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them."

Donna and I have a plackard on our walls that says "Home is where the Army sends us."  There's nothing wrong with that - it's a clever saying.  But for those who follow Christ, it can never be really true.  Home is Him. He is  home.  Our hearts can never be content short of His heart.

I wish that we could clearly know the end of the path down which we believe He has led us - the glass through which we see is always so dim.  But the path to true honor is not dim.  It is a daily, resolute stubbornness that answers"as I will" with "Thy will be done."

This is my last post from Qatar.

New orders arrived today, taking me away from Qatar.  I don’t know, as of today, to which city or even to which state Donna and I will go, but we will always be home, for He is our home. 

Update - 25 April - will go to the Washington DC area - will depart April 30 for Colorado - time to go house-hunting in DC (But not home-hunting!)

Random Daily Thoughts

1.  Beauty of the Lord (Jared Anderson)

     I'm going to teach this song to my 'flock' this weekend.  It bears a strong spiritual Presence and underlies much of my spiritual life this week:

Jesus Your love has come one step closer

I will trust that You will never let me go

Jesus Your love has won me over

All my trust has found no other

I will declare the beauty of the Lord

Nothing compares to the beauty of the Lord

Jesus Your love takes my breath away

Now I'm living everyday for the beauty of the Lord

Jesus Your love it takes my breath away

Jesus Your love it takes my breath away

Jesus Your love it takes my breath away

2.  The Air Force (IMHO) richly deserves all its recent self-inflicted hits. (The one exception being cadet Daniel Castle, USAFA 2009 - one of a score of brilliant and resourceful examples of homo sapiens castleus)

     The CENTAF (Air Force, Central Command) Chaplain recently called my USAF Chaplain team and tasked them to do something without going through their supervisor - me.  Result of the tasking; my team spent three-four hours meeting an immediate, unreasonable suspense, missing dinner and destroying a thumb drive, not to mention their morale.  I called CENTCOM (Central Command) and ARCENT (Army, Central Command)  and asked for clarification of lines of authority.  Apparently this is a systemic, larger issue.  The CENTAF commander (3-star general), in compliance with USAF philosophy, has issued an edict that in effect shields all USAF personnel working with other services in the theater of operations from any influence by those other services. "We don't have many missions of our own, and we want to contribute to this war, but we don't really trust you at all, because AF knows best."  I looked at the orders of my AF crew, and at the bottom are these words: 

CENTAF WILL EXERCISE OPCON AND ADCON OF USAF PERSONNEL IN DIRECT SUPPORT OF OIF/OEF GROUND FORCES (US ARMY), AND UCMJ AUTHORITY.  MEMBER'S CHAIN OF COMMAND WILL BE THROUGH THE NEAREST LIKE-FUNCTIONAL USAF UNIT OR TO THE EXPEDITIONARY UNITS OF ATTACHMENT IN THE AOR. 

In other words, though the team is supposed to work for me, the nearby USAF Wing maintains operational control (OPCON), administrative control (ADCON) and authority to oversee UCMJ actions. (Uniformed Code of Military Justice)  So the USAF essential owns and controls them, and can interfere with my directions at any time!!  aaaarrrghh

I'm thinking that my disaffection with the Air Force will be an enduring one.   

SLEEP MY CHILD, TAKE YOUR REST

I used to lead this song at Young Life meetings:

All night, all day, angels watching over me, my Lord.
Sleep my child, take your rest; angels watching over me.

Looking at my old trip pictures from Alaska recently I came across this one:

This picture faces south on the Dalton Highway, which connects Fairbanks to the North Slope, passing through the Arctic Circle on the way.  It is, I believe, also called the "Haul" road, because it is used to haul freight to the pipeline on the North Slope. You can see the pipeline to the west of the road.

At the upper left side of the picture is a face in the top of the mountain, overlooking the road.  It is not a face of serene neutrality but rather a face of implacable guardianship over the road to a bitter North.

Most Western-structured secular minds will respond that this is simply a coincidental conjunction of snow and rock that appears perhaps face-like in certain light.

But much of humanity's experience is not Western in origen and is thus open to interplay between both seen and unseen realities.

Does evil intrude manifestly into our world?  Can evil have a face? Do we exist in a world that stands between natural and supernatural? Does this sound like a Louis L'Amour novel where the protagonist asks endless questions page after page?  

I remember that on this trip, after we passed this point of the highway, things did not go well. We never saw what we came north to hunt (Dall Sheep).  My clutch burned out on the way back; 600 miles from home with no repair shops north of fairbanks. One can freeze to death quickly in the arctic vastness. (But an 18-wheeler found us and took us to the Yukon River to call for a tow. USAA had a collective heart attack when they paid the $850 tow-bill!) 

One of the guys in the back seat woke up screaming in terror and lurched over me from the back seat to grab the wheel and jerk the SUV off the road. (Three different times he did this, finally prompting one of the sergeants in the back to threaten to shoot him if he did it again!) 

But I always pray before and during any trip, and despite the dangerous circumstances, an invisible hand kept me from harm, though not misfortune.

If we are living on the battlefield of a spiritual and deadly war, can we ask God for protection?  When the Disciples asked Jesus to teach them to pray, He gave them a prayer outline we call "The Lord's Prayer."  One entire segment of the prayer was given so we could ask for protection.  "Deliver us from evil..." 

Sometimes we have not because we ask not, and I think God expects us to be aware of the battle and to ask. I can't count the times I've prayed for protection for my children - from physical, mental, emotional, economic and spiritual danger.  (Those prayers continue as Zach serves in Iraq with an Infantry Bn, Daniel, more dangerously, just purchased a motorcycle, and Becky angers our enemy by fighting for the lives of the innocent unborn)

Lord God - deliver them and theirs from evil...

"Sleep my child, take your rest; angels watching over thee...."

Grace Sufficient

I got back from my trip to Hilton head for the annual Chief of Chaplains' Strategic Leader Development Training a couple of weeks ago.  Donna flew from Colorado Springs to meet me. I was partially right - as refreshing as it was to drive on the highways of America, it made it harder to come back here, and especially harder to say goodbye to Donna ("Again!" as Forrest Gump would say).

I gave a suicide awareness class to Special Operations Command Central Command last week and afterwards met with their Chief of Staff.  He's a Navy SEAL and has been in some interesting places around the globe, and knows whereof he speaks, "Doug," he confessed, "This place sucks the life out of people!"

But in a variation of Romans 5:20, "Where life-sucking abounds, grace abounds much more."  One thing I discovered at Airborne School at the age of 51, God's grace was sufficient.  I had alweays thought that His grace came in overwhelming, plenty-to-spare measure.  We pray for grace as though it will come and take us to the other side quickly and easily.

In that initial measure of grace by which we are saved and brought into His Kingdom - it does.  Once we surrender to His Lordship, grace is there instantly and overwhelmingly.  "Grace like rain falls down on me..."  But then when we live out this new life, the flow of grace changes.

At Jump school, trying to force a 51 year old body through the course when every day muscles break down and at that age don't bounce back by the next morning, making that body weaker and weaker though facing increasing physical demands, grace came to me always only JUST enough to make it and no more for the day. 

As CS Lewis noted in Narnia, He is not at all nor ever has been safe.  But He has always and will always be good, and faithful. There are times when He doesn't want it too easy for us - how would we grow?  So He yields grace that is sufficient if we lean into Him.

Without further ado or adon't, here are some trip pics. 

Kuwait Airport -serious manspace breach       My Own Airplane Row - 14 hrs!             Outside Courtyard

                                               Ocean views from room patio

         Waiting for Household Six at airport             Household Six gets flowers

At lunch                                            Poolside Hotty                                        Green Fountain - St. Pat's

Quantum of Solace on the trip back to Qatar                   Return trip - Dubai Airport

Reprieve....

In a few hours I'll be going home.  Not Colorado home, but US home. 

At 1700 my Chaplain Assistant will fight us through Doha traffic to Doha International.  I'll fly to Kuwait International, (where I will NOT be preparing to kiss a swarthy, mustached man in a bathrobe) wait several hours, then squeeze into a Delta airframe for a FIFTEEN AND A HALF hour flight to Atlanta. (I managed to get an aisle seat for this one.)  Then from Atlanta to Savannah, where I will rent a car and drive to Hilton Head.

 My boss (the Installation Commander) was going to present a series of four mandatory suicide-prevention teaching sessions to every person at Camp As Sayliyah.  But several days before the event, he looked at the material and decided 1) he was going to partner with the Chaplain, and 2) he would define the infinitive to partner as introducing the Chaplain who would then provide the briefings.

The Chaplain (oui - c'est moi) had one night and two mornings to review all the material and put together the teaching sessions.  Presenting them is one thing.  But I am constrained by my belief system.  It is a fundamental principle with me that Thou shalt not bore a Soldier.  So I put a lot into it, with appropriate humor, nail-biting suspense, and even juggling with oranges to finish.

It went well.  The Soldiers were not bored. My boss was pleased.

So, carpe diem, I hit him up for funds to go TDY (temporary duty). 

The Army Chief of Chaplains sponsers an annual get-together at Hilton Head, South Carolina.  It is called SLDC for "Strategic Leader Development Training."  The Chief gathers all his Colonels in one place (those, that is, who can finagle TDY funds) discusses current trends in the on-going war, their effects on Soldiers and Families, and introduces the teaching material that will be presented to all chaplains and assistants throughout the year.  It really is good training and worth the trip.

I'll be there Sunday through Saturday nights. I called Donna and she is flying out after her big PWOC event on Tuesday, so we'll have 4 days and 5 nights together.

To be honest - I have somewhat mixed feelings about this trip.

On the positive side:  DONNA, FREEDOM, GREEN STUFF, WALMART, TRAFFIC COPS (who actually do something about crazy drivers) AND A ZILLION OTHER THINGS I TAKE FOR GRANTED IN AMERICA.

On the negative side:  I fear that when I come back it will be so much harder to stay.  People are adaptable and can get used to almost anything.  But that taste of freedom is going to start me back, I think, at the beginning.

But you know what?  I'd still make the same choice.  USA - here I come.